Episodes in the Smoke-Filled Coffee Shop: Me and St. Augustine

I saw St. Augustine today. He always drinks cold drinks during the day--you know, adult cold drinks. Anyway, I'm not judging--but every time I have seen him in the shop he has been drinking an adult cold beverage. Who knows.

He is old, probably as old as the Old Man. But, he doesn't take care of himself nearly as well. He never wears shoes into the Shop, and he is always unshaven. Sometimes his beard is so thick he looks like a hobo. And, he is certainly fragrant.

I walked past and said hello.

"Good to see you son, why don't you sit down?"

I sat. He seemed to know something was wrong.

"Well, what's the problem? Love, isn't it? It is always love."

I tell you, that St. Augustine is always going on about love. He loves love. It is all he talks about. And when he does, he always has a bit of a sketchy look in his eye.

"With all apologies, I don't want to talk about it."

"No problem."

"I do want to ask you a question, though. What is the greatest sin?"

He wasn't at all taken aback. He just flowed right into his answer like someone being interviewed on a topic about which they knew very much.

"Well, son, you remember all those confessions I did? I wrote those down because I was obsessed with myself. I wanted to know who I was and what I was supposed to be. I also wanted to be happy. I thought, "If I can just know myself--who and what I am at my core--I'll be happy someday. I emptied me out--I confessed it all and realized two things: God was inside me in a place I can't describe or locate. I don't know how he got there, and I don't know how I found him. But, it was then that I realized that self-knowledge--self-awareness--is the key to life and happiness. Without that, you are committing the greatest sin. You know why? Because you are ignoring the gift you have been given--what makes you you--you are ignoring the image of the highest inside you--your true capacity and your true self. If you never stop to consider who you are, what you are, and how you should be--if you never examine--incise--tear--open--build--re-build--gather--explore--assess--yourself, well then you are ignoring the highest, and committing the worst."

He looked at me with a deep grin at this point.

"You know about self-examination?"

"I do," I replied. "It is hard work."

I was about to take my hot drink elsewhere to read, but he stopped me.

"Wait, that is only half the story. The second part of it is your will. Once you are there--once you examine--find--and realize that there is Love--there is Love around you--well, you have to have the will--the commitment to go for it. You have to leave everything--including yourself--to become yourself. It is scary. It is risky. But, it is how it is. You know about that?"

"Kind of."

With that, I left. Augustine kept drinking cold drinks well into the afternoon.